If you are hearing this, please do not adjust your earpiece. You are just the person I have been meaning to reach.
I need you to be my arms, so to speak. My legs too and obviously my eyes. I'm afraid I will have to do as brain for now. The task I ask you to complete is very simple but profoundly important.
A wrapped present was left in your house. In fact, you came across it just the other day, threw it out. Fortunately it was salvaged from your dustbin and can be found up on the roof, just beside the gutter. Good thing there was no rain this week where you are! Now I would like you take it down. Use the stepladder: if you hurt yourself, I would never forgive myself.
Got it? Excellent. By all means, weigh it in your hand, press your ear against it. You will see for yourself that the present isn’t a clear and present danger. However, please don’t unwrap it yet. All I ask is that you act as courier. Believe me, this is for the best possible cause.
With that in mind, come back inside and ascend the stairs. Tread lightly: it is almost midnight. Now, when you reach the landing, I want you to enter the bedroom nearest to you. Yes, that will be your child’s room. This gift is for them.
You should be proud. There aren’t many children who get this service anymore. Though technology has advanced, the old intention remains as vital as ever. Science, magic: they both pale in comparison to charity and acknowledgement of good deeds well done. We only intercede to keep an element of mystery for both you and your child.
I am sure you will turn to your partner tonight and tell of the sudden bizarre twittering in your ear, some jolly stranger giving you instructions that filled you with dread. For that I can only apologise and ask that you look past it. Think only of the following morning, the smile on your little one’s face as they see this present, the smile on your own as you realise that it wasn’t a bomb or anything nefarious, but just what I said it was. A gift.
Now place it in the stocking, tuck it right down into the toe. Excellent. With that, I will stop talking and leave you in peace. Don’t you just love the final stillness of Christmas Eve? By all means, remove your earpiece and listen to that quiet. Mission accomplished. Merry Christmas.