I (sometimes) call myself Mr. Pondersome. I'm a rather wordy, weirdy person. I say hullo a lot. I write a lot more. While you're here, why not give some of it a read?

Sunday, 24 August 2014

MAYBE ENOUGH TIME HAS PASSED (a.k.a. A Story Recently Used at a Wedding Reading. My Sister's Wedding but still...)

I dedicate this to Michael and Cherie Priestland, mostly because I dedicated to them once already. Yesterday, in fact.

            Two people. A man and a woman. They're in a big place, perhaps a warehouse somewhere, and they've only just realised how busy it is. Unfortunately the shapes and figures they see aren't necessarily human so they get scared and take cover.
            There's a crack of daylight up ahead, the man says.
            How can you tell it isn't just more indoor light? the woman asks.
            Indoor light never looked that clean, the man says.
            The man spots a few figures wandering towards the door. The woman thinks they're striding purposefully towards it, it's hard to tell given the conditions. Either way they're now in front but the daylight can still be seen. Now the man and the woman could wait a while until the figures have gone or they could just stride up purposefully themselves and try to get past. There's really no way of knowing which is the best possibility, like I said the figures aren't necessarily malevolent. Contrary to what many people would have you believe, there is no more shame in waiting than there is in pushing forward in these circumstances. The figures look just as nervous as the man and the woman do if perhaps a little more aimless.
            So the man and the woman sit there awhile, neither really sure for how long. They're both fairly certain that they lost their watches in different places before they met. Eventually the woman looks at the man and nods at him.
            Maybe enough time has passed, she says.
            It would seem that way, he replies.
            They both stand up to find that the figures have moved away from the door though not far away, they're just searching for a window. Taking this opportunity, the man and the woman race towards the door in spite of the darkness of the room and almost stumble on a few occasions. Then they make it to the door. One opens the lock, the other grasps the handle. The light catches them as soon as they open it. Perhaps they perceive the light in the same way or perhaps they don't, all that matters to them is that it is indeed outside light and that it's directly in front of them. They walk through and look around. They make a conscious decision of shutting the door behind them.
            We enter situations through one door, leave by another door, marking them both as we pass through. We sometimes stay awhile but it eventually gets too hot or too cold, too dark or too bright, too busy or too lonely and we have to move on to the next discovery.
            Entry or exit, there's always something ahead; something outlined with light and filled with potential for love, familiarity and togetherness. We keep going, keep ourselves going, keep each other going in its all-purpose name. It's a good simple name for a direction, a better name for a goal. We call it forward.

Monday, 4 August 2014

SOME PROPERTY DESCRIPTIONS (a.k.a. Nostalgia Real Estate)

Third Black Plinth to the Right of Camera 1, Cognizance

Set in the shiny black Studio 3 of Cuddio Entertainment in 2001, Cognizance's semicircle of black plinths are well known and much loved among game show connoisseurs. The third black plinth to the right of camera 1 has a unique view of the studio audience, of the breathtaking red and green lightshows that stream up and down the rows and aisles at the behest of the majestic red-headed antique at the centre. Although limited in her range of physical and emotional movement, the antique continues to be a fixture in the minds of the audience's progeny to this day. Other local sites of interest include the first, second and fourth black plinth from the right and of course a door which leads to the hallway  for more adventurous visitors. Button pushing, displaying of cards, twirling, good-natured ribbing and, of course, red and green light flashing are all within easy reach. Audience seating area - six yards, studio cafeteria - fifty yards.

Glitchy Glade, Level 10, The Time Consumer

A regular fixture in The Time Consumer guide, Glitchy Glade is one of the smaller locations in Level 10 but has arguably the most uplifting character of all locations in the video game. Though some have called it notorious for its tendency to lose texture as you approach certain elements, this is in fact a great boon to the holidaying gamer: sights from afar are always more glorious. These include the humble village where the protagonist always begins her adventures, the mighty Helmet Tree which produces armour of the strongest, most impenetrable magic wood and the very same path whereby hordes of angry Slider Vikings first invaded the village. Ever since the protagonist destroyed these pillaging time-travellers completely, the Glitchy Glade has seen a great calm and is ready to be filled with life again. Aside from the extensive history, Glitchy Glade offers guests the chance to hunt for in-game easter eggs and amusing shadow glitches as well as plenty of opportunities to use the many swords that were scattered across the glade during the invasion. Humble Village - six inches away (on screen), food and drink provided all over the glade.

Battlefield on the Living Room Carpet, Your Old House

A beautiful but often overlooked destination for the nostalgic and perhaps regressive holidaymaker, the battlefield on the living room carpet is custom-made especially for you. From the imaginative mind that is familiar to all men of a certain age and indeed some women too, this location is best experienced by lying on the stomach at one end of the carpet. Though there is indeed a battle going on, it is very still and fought by only the most economical plastic action figures; 'frozen mid-motion' as some previous happy guests have described it. The carpet is dusty but it is the dust of 1993 and so will no doubt be inoffensive to your senses. The battle itself is yours to manipulate, you can bring about a joyous conclusion or just bask in the passions of a silent war. Other activities include creating sound effects, wearing jumpers that made your mother smile and the smell of a cup of cocoa off the edge of the coffee table overhead. Some caution is advised when venturing to your father's armchair, if it is knocked or damaged we will not be able to refund you this memory. Father's Armchair - three feet away, cocoa is the only source of nourishment you will need.