"Conjunctions" (a.k.a. Some Flash Fiction Stories Based around Connectives)

AND

 

            John found the land, Jack began construction. John opened the plantation, Jack laid the last brick. John took the office, Jack took the shed. John got married, Jack slept with the bride. John made regular inspections, Jack avoided him. John attended shareholder meetings, Jack oversaw deliveries. John started lying, Jack started lying. John enhanced statistics, Jack took bribes. John went on business trips, Jack slept with the wife. John stopped going to shareholder meetings, Jack stopped overseeing deliveries. John rested in his office, Jack demolished his shed. John's PA sent the wrong envelope, Jack's dog was shot. John was put under investigation, Jack took the law into his own hands. John overdosed on his wife's prescription, Jack fucked with the wrong people. John slipped away, Jack fell down.

 

            They were twins.

 

BUT

 

            'Are you sure?' she crashed down onto the sofa.

            'Yes.' he lowered himself.

            'It doesn't seem right.' she brought her hands together.

            'Of course it doesn't.' he breathed.

            'They were here just yesterday.'

            'I'm not disputing that.'

            'They even left something.' she pulled out cushions.

            'I picked it up.' he held up the tape measure.

            'They said they needed it.' she took a swig of tea. 'Said they needed it again.'

            'Did they say why?'

            'No.'

            A long pause.

            'I'm not quite used to this.' Her lip quivered.

            'Of course not.' He laid a hand on her back.

            'They said they'd be back. No time at all.'

            'I know.'

            She turned to him, crumpled tissue in hand. 'Are you sure?'

            'They were.' he reached for a tissue. 'But they're gone now.'

           

OR

 

            It was like life was teeming with flashbulbs or a small woman dressed in cotton or an establishing shot of Shangri-La or the broad strokes on a fading painting or calling the right number at the best time or not having to go to the dentist or a kissing contest involving every person you ever described as 'fetching' or the closing joke of a bad comic or the one moment in a mediocre day where you're not in the shit or the blessing given by a gruff man-child or the way a street light catches a pram or a question that makes everybody laugh or the first time you went out for takeaway or the verification that what you just heard wasn't nearly as bad as they said it would be or the punch of saying 'I just did' or the best bath of your childhood. I'm just saying.

My Top 5 Favourite Films About Writing

Hullo all,

I've finally got my finger out of my bum! Huzzah! (Well sort of).

Whenever I struggle to get any writing out, I have a habit of watching movies instead. It is procrastination but it can easily be worked into a creative aid, particularly if I waste my time watching films about writers and the writing process. It's odd but watching such movies infuses me with the sort of enthusiasm I can rarely churn out all by myself. It's kind of like spending time with other writers without the threat of pretentious pontificating of the medium or other ego massaging activities. Furthermore most films about writing are to do with writer's block brought about by lack of enthusiasm and/or discipline which is often what grinds me to a halt. It's cathartic.

I love each and every film about writing a little bit and for so many different reasons but I do have some particular favourites I keep coming back to. Here are the top five. I've included a few interesting facts for all my fellow movie buffs out there. I'm sure you know most of them already but it's always good to check.

5. AMERICAN SPLENDOR (2003)

 

Directors: Shari Springer Berman, Robert Pulcini

Writers: Harvey Pekar and Joyce Brabner (comic series), Shari Springer Berman, Robert Pulcini (film)

Stars: Paul Giamatti, Hope Davis, Harvey Pekar

Synopsis: An original mix of fiction and reality illuminates the life of underground comix hero everyman Harvey Pekar.

Why I like it: American Splendor is one of those rare films with one foot in documentary and the other in biopic, darting between both with artful skill. It's a new platform for Harvey Pekar to display his gruff yet humble worldview, so much so that it even incorporates the movie making process. Paul Giamatti plays Harvey Pekar with gusto and sensitivity, successfully coming across as the underground comix writer even alongside the writer himself. Harvey Pekar, in any of his incarnations, will be sorely missed.

Awards: Boston Society of Film Critics, Chlotrudis Awards, Los Angeles Film Critics Association, National Society of Film Critics, Writers Guild of America - Best Screenplay/Best Adapted Screenplay (Pulcini and Springer Berman) etc.

 

4. WONDER BOYS (2000)

 

 

Director: Curtis Hanson

Writers: Michael Chabon (novel), Steve Kloves (screenplay)

Stars: Michael Douglas, Tobey Maguire, Frances McDormand

Synopsis: Grady Tripp, Creative Writing professor and writer, tries to deal with his wife leaving him, the arrival of his editor who has been waiting for his new book for seven years, and the various problems that his friends and associates involve him in.

Why I like it: It seems that all good films about writing need to be about writer's block. However Wonder Boys is not just that; it's an often hilarious road trip set around writers featuring transvestites, dead dogs, unconscious students and even a coat once owned by Marilyn Munroe. Michael Douglas makes a credible eccentric professor burdened by a never-ending novel and the heady campus lifestyle.

Awards: Los Angeles Film Critic Association - Best Actor (Michael Douglas), Los Angeles Film Critic Association, Boston Society of Film Critics, Broadcast Film Critics Assocation, Florida Film Critics Association - Best Supporting Actress (Frances McDormand), Boston Society of Film Critics, Las Vegas Film Critics Circle - Best Screenplay (Steve Cloves)

 

 

3. STRANGER THAN FICTION (2006)

 

 

Director: Marc Forster

Writer: Zach Helm

Stars: Will Ferrell, Emma Thompson, Dustin Hoffman

Synopsis: Harold Crick, an IRS auditor, suddenly finds himself the subject of narration only he can hear: narration that begins to affect his entire life, from his work, to his love-interest, to his death.

Why I like it: The other films on this list address the world in relation to the writer but not the character. Mortality has never been so preordained or poetic than in Stranger than Fiction. Will Ferrell tidies away his usual brand of humour to create a gentle lonely man and Emma Thompson is magnificent as a blocked writer with a predilection towards killing her protagonists. The ending disappoints me a little but it fits nicely with the rest of the story nevertheless.

Awards: National Board of Review - Best Original Screenplay (Zach Helm)

 

 

2. BARTON FINK (1991)

 

 

Director: Joel Coen

Writers: Joel and Ethan Coen

Stars: John Turturro, John Goodman, Judy Davies

Synopsis: Barton Fink, a renowned New York playwright, is enticed to California to write the screenplay for a wrestling movie and discovers the hellish truth of Hollywood in a lonely hotel room.

Why I like it: Everybody's seen at least one Coen Brothers film. If not, then they really should. Barton Fink is essentially a film about naivety, stagnation and writer's block. It tops most 'Films about Writing' lists and for good reason; the Coen Brothers wrote this while trying to write another screenplay, Miller's Crossing. So maybe procrastination isn't always bad. John Turturro delivers a fine performance but John Goodman absolutely steals the show.

Awards: Cannes Film Festival - the Palme d'Or, Best Director (Joel Coen), Best Actor (John Turturro).

 

 

ADAPTATION (2002)

 

 

Director: Spike Jonze

Writer: Charlie Kaufman

Stars: Nicolas Cage, Meryl Streep, Chris Cooper

Synopsis: Charlie Kaufman, a lovelorn screenwriter, turns to his less talented twin brother Donald for help when his efforts to adapt non-fiction book The Orchid Thief go nowhere.

Why I like it: Charlie Kaufman is a genius. When he couldn't write a script about a book with no story he wrote a script about himself struggling to write that script. And he made it work! Nicolas Cage turns out a surprisingly tasteful performance as both Charlie and Donald Kaufman. The Orchid Thief: A True Story of Beauty and Obsession by Susan Orlean is a book that actually exists!

Awards: Academy Award - Best Supporting Actor (Chris Cooper), BAFTA Award - Best Adapted Screenplay (Charlie Kaufman).

 

HONOURABLE MENTIONS

• Capote (2005) - A great actor portraying a great writer. As for the plot, In Cold Blood indeed.
• The Ghost Writer (2010) - More of a political thriller but provides a decent commentary on a fascinating branch of writing. Plus its a Roman Polanski film - 'nuff said.
• Misery (1990) - I prefer the book but it's got a fantastic performance from Kathy Bates as Annie Wilkes.
• Naked Lunch (1991) - I haven't seen this one yet. Seems fun in a vaguely disturbing way.
• Ruby Sparks (2012) - Another 'writer-writes-a-person-into-existence' film but much sweeter. Perhaps a little too sweet at times.
• Sideways (2004) - More of a 'grown-up' road trip movie but it brings to the fore some harsh truths about making a career as a writer.

"Half-Arsed Fairytale" (a.k.a. I'll Come up with Something Better Soon, I Promise)

There was once a couple of kids I never really met. They got into some bad shit. Weird bad shit.

They might have talked to some animals or little people. Inanimate objects too, I'll bet; people just do that in this area. Anyway they probably weren't that bothered by it.

I think they disfigured an old woman, could have been an old guy in drag. Might have involved garden tools or kitchen utensils or such like.

Anyway last I heard they scampered off scot-free. Bastards.

Moral: You writing this down or something?

FIRST PERSON - Soothing Pastime or Addictive Disease?

Owen Townend has succumbed to a particularly foul affliction. He is addicted to the First Person.

The First Person is a psychotropic drug that is ingested by writers in dire need of 'talent', a popular misnomer for the metabolic state whereby inspiration is inhaled and brilliance is exhaled. Abuse is commonplace among the lower classes.

Symptoms of the First Person include agoraphobic compulsions, loss of descriptive memory and manic finger spasms. Sufferers have been known to turn out 10-20 pages of writing a day with a declining rate of cohesive thought.

Should you come across a writer exhibiting these symptoms then do not approach them directly: they will lash out at the first sign of honest criticism. Instead apply a steady Third Person diet plan immediately. The Second Person is also recommended but should only be applied in the later stages.

Owen Townend is currently undergoing this diet and is showing some small degree of success. Remember, it is a long journey but one that leads to recovery. Be sure to keep him in your prayers.

"The Aromatic Punk" (a.k.a. Smells and the First Person)

                I mean to say that I am in fact the Aromatic Punk. You've heard a bit about me, have you? Quite a bit? That's good, that's good.

                Well what I have to say is this: we've been through a hell of stenches and it seems that I'm the only one who's noticed. The sewage water: can't you smell it? It's changed; been mucked up, tainted even further.

                For one thing it tastes like beer-stained fuchsias. How anyone can bear that I just cannot understand. No, I haven't actually drank the waste; I'm talking olfactory palate stuff here. It's...well, the smell's not really rotten but it's definitely pungent. Kind of sweaty and yeasty, only it's ever so subtle to the average nose. You see, most people get distracted by the obvious stink of faeces and just leave it at that.

                So I got up and did the right thing. I ran home and sifted through my perfume collection. Yes, yeah, I get it. I realise that that seems rather girly to blokes like you but it's absolutely necessary for blokes like me. Anyway I used a musk actually.  I managed to find something suitably sweet in that particular subsection which is a rarity, I can tell you.

                So I took a few bottles, slid them into my jacket pockets and ran to the nearest manhole cover. I lifted it off then poured three bottles worth of musk down into the hole. Then, of course, your boys on the beat came along and asked me what the hell I was doing. They thought I was poisoning the fucking water supply! Christ sake. I set them straight but they still weren't having any so I got collared.

                Yes, this isn't the first time I've done something like this and it turned out ridiculous back then too. The way I figure it, surely I'm not the only one with sensitive nostrils around here, this area. I'm sorry, I just will not stand idly by. Nobody else is doing it so I'll get it done. Too bloody right.

                You just do what you will, your worst. But don't stick me in that opposite cell, eh? Do me that one little favour. Smells like someone pissed themselves to death in there. They did? Phwoar.

Letters to Numbers and Numbers to Letters - A Rather Complicated Way to Make a Poem

Next time you find yourself bored and/or stuck while writing, why not try out this fun little poetry exercise? I'll step-by-step it with lots of clear and detailed examples:


1) Find a book.


I just picked up a text book titled "Brilliant CV".


2) Take a key word from the title.


I'll take 'Brilliant'.


3) Display this word like an acrostic.


B

R

I

L

L

I

A

N

T


4) Identify the chronological number of each letter's place within the alphabet (e.g. A=1, B=2, C=3 etc).


B=2

R=18

I=9

L=12

L=12

I=9

A=1

N=14

T=20


5) Pick up the book again. Find the page number that matches each of these numbers.


B=2 = page 2

R=18 = page 18

I=9 = page 9

etc


6) Find the first word on the page that begins with the original letter. Write down all following words until you reach the end of a line or sentence.


B=2 = Best Buy

R=18 = Reliable information

I=9 = is that things that are unusual

L=12 = life history

L=12 = life history

I=9 = is that things that are unusual

A=1 = attempted to put together

N=14 = needs to make far more of her ten years

T=20 = Training Manager


7) Fiddle around with the syntax, the layout and/or omit certain words until you have some form of contextual coherence. Or not.


Here is the (rough) final product:


Best buy

reliable information,

things that are unusual


life history

Life History


Things that are unusual

attempted

to make far more of her

Training Manager.


That's the idea in a surprisingly retentive nutshell. If you're still scratching your head then please ask your questions in the comment section below.

The 500 Word Nonsense Quota

I'm churning out blissful, unabridged nonsense now. There is a reason: I need to build up my discipline as a writer. Writing 500 words a day about anything that comes into my head is a great way to give my sleepy imagination a kick start.

If you like gibberish for gibberish's sake then go here - http://nonsensequota.blogspot.co.uk/

If you'd prefer to remain where the sane and sensible writing is, then stay here. This little side-project of mine should help improve my turn-out.