I (sometimes) call myself Mr. Pondersome. I'm a rather wordy, weirdy person. I say hullo a lot. I write a lot more. While you're here, why not give some of it a read?

Wednesday, 24 December 2014

SOME CHEESY CHRISTMAS STORIES IMPROVED (a.k.a. I've Seen Far Too Many Hallmark Films This Year - Merry Christmas)

An elf is sent to teach a family Christmas cheer and ends up falling in love with the uncle.

            The elf is a threat to the North Pole workforce. She's skilled and efficient but prone to petty sabotage. Santa, being the old kindly soul that he is, doesn't want to fire her so he devises a means of sending her away on an 'errand'.
            The family themselves aren't even Christian. Santa isn't terribly good at running background checks. The elf soon realises that the family are Jewish and/or atheist and leave them be.
            The elf tries to make her way back to the North Pole. Unfortunately what Santa lacks in research skills, he more than makes up for in blocking out unwanted elements. He strands the elf in the city where she is forced to go from Santa's grotto to Santa's grotto pretending to be a gainfully-employed teenager. She is soon found out each time because her enthusiasm is unyielding while her credentials are not.
            After being kicked out of the latest Santa's grotto, she lands in the path of a man who owns a cobblers shop in the same shopping mall. He notices just how different the elf's costume is to the fake elves who work at the Santa's grottoes and thinks he has some sort of Christmas cosplayer in his hands. Noticing how attractive she is he decides to hire her.
            At first the elf is tasked with changing the shoe display and standing long enough in the window to draw in horny men. She soon notices this objectification and demands to be given a more suitable task. The uncle jokes that because she is an elf she can try fixing shoes. It turns out that she is rather skilled at this.
            Soon enough the uncle is standing in the window in an elf suit trying to attract horny women to no avail. He begins to resent the elf's cobbling skills and asks her to leave early, after all it is 'Christmas Eve'. She agrees only to wait around until he has shut up. She tells him that she has nowhere else to go so can she spend Christmas day with him? The man says he is going to spend most of it with his sister's family so probably not. Then again, remembering how attractive she is, he agrees.
            They arrive at the house of the Jewish and/or atheist family. The shopkeeper introduces the elf as his girlfriend but the family instantly recognises her. The man is quite insistent so they let her in.
            The elf experiences a Christmas Eve without anything even remotely Christmassy. She feels bored but is too polite to say anything. She agrees to sleep with the uncle but finds herself bored by the sex too.
            Early Christmas morning she leaves discreetly. She briefly considers heading back to the North Pole but ultimately decides to wander the empty streets, peering into other people's festively-decorated houses. When she reaches a road she decides to hitchhike and is picked up by a Muslim truck driver. He comments on her elf outfit and she agrees; she needs new clothes. Eventually.

A family suffers during the Christmas season due to a child's rigorous illness and the whole neighbourhood comes to help.

            The child dies after the first thirty minutes. The father and mother are forced to call an ambulance to take away the body and begin making funeral arrangements. Their daughter, who was older than the child, engages in a half-hearted snowball fight with her friends. They all already know that her brother is dead because their parents do. The rest of the neighbourhood decide to keep their distance from the family at this difficult time which isn't so hard to do at Christmastime when they have their own responsibilities to deal with.
            One woman however decides to knock on their door, offering Christmas pudding. She has to pump herself up to do this though, death always makes her nervous. The Christmas pudding is eaten by the father and his daughter while the mother sleeps upstairs.
            The woman knocks on their door again on Christmas Eve. She offers to take the daughter out to play in the snow. The daughter decides to make a snow dick. The woman is horrified; why would she do such a thing? The daughter says that her brother used to make them when he was healthier, he was a bit of a pervert but it made him smile.
            The woman lets the parents know about this bizarre construction in their front garden. The mother is angry with her daughter but a smile flickers across the father's lips as he sees it. He promises to do something about it at the next available opportunity. The woman thanks him and leaves.
            On Christmas day the woman passes by their garden again and notices that the head of the penis has been turned into a snowman's head and that there is a message written across the testicles: HE LOVED TO BUILD.
            The woman asks around the neighbourhood the following day, checking that no-one saw the snow dick in its original form. Fortunately everyone has been too busy dealing with their own Christmas days to notice anything like that or at least that's what they're saying. Nevertheless the people notice the new construction and decide to erect their own in their front gardens. The woman is shocked at this phallic surprise but notices the communal spirit throughout the neighbourhood and decides to keep her distaste to herself.
            She even makes her own snow dick monument too though only small and in her back garden.

A shopkeeper is forced to teach a successor how to run the shop and yet falls in love with him.

            A man runs a Christmas wrapping paper shop; it's small and only open from November to January. At nights he takes home the thickest roll and uses it to beat up a dummy with the face of his manager on it.
            One day he is called up by said manager who tells him that he is coming down to help him make sales. Sales improve vastly on the first day alone as the manager reorganising the shop's displays and greets the customers in a far more effective manner than the shopkeeper. He also notices that the thicker rolls are disappearing and wants to know exactly what is happening to them. The shopkeeper is coy.
            By the third day they're bonding over forgetful old men who get angry when you suggest to them what they might have come in to buy. They also claim to fancy the same woman who comes into the shop wearing doe-skin boots.
            By the fifth day the shopkeeper and the manager are shagging in the backroom. It turns out that the shopkeeper's frustration at the manager was partially of a sexual nature. They do not talk about what they've done as soon as the customers enter.
            Eventually the shopkeeper develops enough confidence to ask the manager to come to his house. The manager agrees expecting a quick tryst only to discover an effigy of himself surrounded by damaged wrapping paper rolls. He is infuriated but they still have sex. As soon as it's over the manager leaves.
            On Christmas Eve the shopkeeper discovers that he will be fired at the end of January and so decides to sabotage the shop by being rude to customers and making the displays fragile and prone to collapsing. The manager sees what he is doing and fires him outright.
            The shopkeeper leaves angrier than ever, with the thickest and heaviest paper roll he can find. That night, after the manager closes the shop, the shopkeeper sets upon him with it only for a struggle to break out. The manager asks him if this is really what he wants: to beat the big boss with the merchandise. The shopkeeper says yes but there is hurt in his eyes. He kisses the manager and they return to his house.
            The shopkeeper wakes up in the manager's bed alone. It turns out that the manager is making bacon butties with Bucks Fizz downstairs. The manager tells the shopkeeper to go check under the Christmas tree. The shopkeeper discovers that all his presents have been wrapped with the offending paper roll from the previous night. He apologises and thanks the manager for the lovely sentiment, he deserves it. They spend the day together.

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