I (sometimes) call myself Mr. Pondersome. I'm a rather wordy, weirdy person. I say hullo a lot. I write a lot more. While you're here, why not give some of it a read?

Monday, 10 June 2013

TUTTE E CYBORG (a.k.a. I'm Bound to Have Got the Italian Wrong. And/Or the Science. Be Kind.)

THE product recall details hit Rome days after the meltdowns started.

Over eight billion Braccio models had already been shipped and distributed all across Italy before the initial bug reports had even been properly processed. Damian Montague made the majority of the obligatory company phone calls himself, specifying that eighteen corporate heads would soon roll.

Whilst he was waiting to be put through to the numerous appropriate channels, the Braccio models had already been activated and were in use. The latest in prosthetic technology, all that was needed to operate the machine was a living human brain.

Users of the technology started experiencing faults on Tuesday 23rd April at 11am exactly. This included mysterious clicking noises and an overwhelming compulsion to cough. By 1pm, users suffered overheating and involuntary fist clenching spasms. Complaints quickly flooded into the Braccio Production Headquarters in the south of Rome. Damian Montague was away from the office at this time, dealing with other contracts overseas.

Nevertheless the details were collated and sent through to the R&D department for immediate testing. By 3pm it was confirmed that the Braccio models were melting down due to two separate circuits that magnetically interfered with one another. They predicted that all activated models would meltdown within the next hour, burning users and perhaps even breaking their bones.

On hearing this, Montague devoted all company resources towards creating and distributing safety warnings. The sheer volume of warnings going out caused the entire company server to crash. The computers were back up and running an hour later but it was of course too late.

Four million shoulder blades received third degree burns and significant bruising. Forty thousand pelvic bones were shattered. Fourteen thousand brains were fatally burnt.

As soon as the details came through, Montague switched company focus towards sending apologies to politicians and condolences to grieving families. He fired half of his R&D staff shortly thereafter.

A week later, just under eight billion Braccio models were shipped back to Rome. Montague returned to his office and spent the following eight months dealing with lawsuits and various other legal proceedings. A candlelit vigil was held in what was once the Vatican on Monday 29th April. It was the first candlelit vigil held in 440 years.

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