CLOUDING UP ON DAISY STREET (a.k.a. A Soggy Vignette)

The twelve o'clock bus is showing me something.

A shapely droplet slides from the eye of the man in the Travel Pass poster. He is smiling for the advert but now I'm not so certain.

I follow the level of his stare to a window on the opposite side. The pane's become foggy but I can still look out from the right hand corner. A sign says Daisy Street.

I think maybe he kissed a Daisy once, this Travel Pass poster man. He's probably met this crossing a few times before. There's a faultless alignment between him and the sign.

It breaks and I finally lose interest. The bus turns the corner and the drip slips down to the tagline.

Mine is the next stop.

SOMEWHERE HERE, THERE WERE (a.k.a. A Little Anagram Poem)

Somewhere,
where some
whose mere
heroes mew
whore, seem
worse. He, me,
we rose hem
somewhere.

TOOTH, PAST (a.k.a. A Poem about Anthropomorphic Chompers)

I am the flying molar.
I am The Original Flying Molar.
I have no idea where this trajectory
is taking me
but at least I'm not an incisor.
I'd shout it from the roof of the mouth
if I could
AT LEAST I'M NOT AN INCISOR.

Incisors are alright growing up
but then they grow up into right bastards:
pushing to the front,
taking the first cut.
We were fine in the gums but then
the personalities formed
and there was a reshuffle.
Ambitious Incisors,
skulking Canines
and, of course, us:
the final grinders.

I was one of the best,
I was in the middle,
I got the biggest cut,
I got the lay of the tongue.
I remember one time
I cracked a lollipop,
I cracked it for the satisfaction.
My other half was on the bottom
but we touched,
we ground it together.
We ground together.

I'll never see my other half again.
I'll never crush through the barriers
to meet,
to get the job done.
I'll never be washed
knowing we'll both be washed,
kissing through the brushstrokes.
That was the way we shared.
In my life I've been yellow
and white
and grey
and all other shades of vulnerable
but compared to this...

I've never flown either but
is this flying?
I see the landing point,
it's bigger than I've ever seen and
I know I'll land on my back.
It looks soft
like a palate
or a tongue
only without all the
wetness.

To think, I'll never crush again.
To think, I'll never be chipped.
I think I'll make a sound now,
one last bite down.

That was too soft.

CHEEK (a.k.a. A Poem about a Real Life Event that Happened After a Dentist Appointment)

I saw a man
quite short,
red shirt,
evidently balding,
stood at the foot of a hill.
He was pelvic thrusting.

He was dancing
or else being pushed around
by the kind of music
that intrudes on an open street.

Up close his face was bruised.
He shook his hips.

He shouted 'I wouldn't hurt anyone.'
and told me how someone had broken his cheekbone in three places.
I asked 'Did you get him back?'
he said 'I wouldn't hurt anybody.'

It was sunny then.

A Seaside Litigation Joke (a.k.a. A Truly Terrible Joke)

Q: Did you hear about the beachside town that was put on trial?

A: The presiding judge was the highest cliff, the prosecuting counsel was the sea breeze and the defending counsel was a single wave coming in. At least it had a jury of its piers...

"Conjunctions" (a.k.a. Some Flash Fiction Stories Based around Connectives)

AND

 

            John found the land, Jack began construction. John opened the plantation, Jack laid the last brick. John took the office, Jack took the shed. John got married, Jack slept with the bride. John made regular inspections, Jack avoided him. John attended shareholder meetings, Jack oversaw deliveries. John started lying, Jack started lying. John enhanced statistics, Jack took bribes. John went on business trips, Jack slept with the wife. John stopped going to shareholder meetings, Jack stopped overseeing deliveries. John rested in his office, Jack demolished his shed. John's PA sent the wrong envelope, Jack's dog was shot. John was put under investigation, Jack took the law into his own hands. John overdosed on his wife's prescription, Jack fucked with the wrong people. John slipped away, Jack fell down.

 

            They were twins.

 

BUT

 

            'Are you sure?' she crashed down onto the sofa.

            'Yes.' he lowered himself.

            'It doesn't seem right.' she brought her hands together.

            'Of course it doesn't.' he breathed.

            'They were here just yesterday.'

            'I'm not disputing that.'

            'They even left something.' she pulled out cushions.

            'I picked it up.' he held up the tape measure.

            'They said they needed it.' she took a swig of tea. 'Said they needed it again.'

            'Did they say why?'

            'No.'

            A long pause.

            'I'm not quite used to this.' Her lip quivered.

            'Of course not.' He laid a hand on her back.

            'They said they'd be back. No time at all.'

            'I know.'

            She turned to him, crumpled tissue in hand. 'Are you sure?'

            'They were.' he reached for a tissue. 'But they're gone now.'

           

OR

 

            It was like life was teeming with flashbulbs or a small woman dressed in cotton or an establishing shot of Shangri-La or the broad strokes on a fading painting or calling the right number at the best time or not having to go to the dentist or a kissing contest involving every person you ever described as 'fetching' or the closing joke of a bad comic or the one moment in a mediocre day where you're not in the shit or the blessing given by a gruff man-child or the way a street light catches a pram or a question that makes everybody laugh or the first time you went out for takeaway or the verification that what you just heard wasn't nearly as bad as they said it would be or the punch of saying 'I just did' or the best bath of your childhood. I'm just saying.

My Top 5 Favourite Films About Writing

Hullo all,

I've finally got my finger out of my bum! Huzzah! (Well sort of).

Whenever I struggle to get any writing out, I have a habit of watching movies instead. It is procrastination but it can easily be worked into a creative aid, particularly if I waste my time watching films about writers and the writing process. It's odd but watching such movies infuses me with the sort of enthusiasm I can rarely churn out all by myself. It's kind of like spending time with other writers without the threat of pretentious pontificating of the medium or other ego massaging activities. Furthermore most films about writing are to do with writer's block brought about by lack of enthusiasm and/or discipline which is often what grinds me to a halt. It's cathartic.

I love each and every film about writing a little bit and for so many different reasons but I do have some particular favourites I keep coming back to. Here are the top five. I've included a few interesting facts for all my fellow movie buffs out there. I'm sure you know most of them already but it's always good to check.

5. AMERICAN SPLENDOR (2003)

 

Directors: Shari Springer Berman, Robert Pulcini

Writers: Harvey Pekar and Joyce Brabner (comic series), Shari Springer Berman, Robert Pulcini (film)

Stars: Paul Giamatti, Hope Davis, Harvey Pekar

Synopsis: An original mix of fiction and reality illuminates the life of underground comix hero everyman Harvey Pekar.

Why I like it: American Splendor is one of those rare films with one foot in documentary and the other in biopic, darting between both with artful skill. It's a new platform for Harvey Pekar to display his gruff yet humble worldview, so much so that it even incorporates the movie making process. Paul Giamatti plays Harvey Pekar with gusto and sensitivity, successfully coming across as the underground comix writer even alongside the writer himself. Harvey Pekar, in any of his incarnations, will be sorely missed.

Awards: Boston Society of Film Critics, Chlotrudis Awards, Los Angeles Film Critics Association, National Society of Film Critics, Writers Guild of America - Best Screenplay/Best Adapted Screenplay (Pulcini and Springer Berman) etc.

 

4. WONDER BOYS (2000)

 

 

Director: Curtis Hanson

Writers: Michael Chabon (novel), Steve Kloves (screenplay)

Stars: Michael Douglas, Tobey Maguire, Frances McDormand

Synopsis: Grady Tripp, Creative Writing professor and writer, tries to deal with his wife leaving him, the arrival of his editor who has been waiting for his new book for seven years, and the various problems that his friends and associates involve him in.

Why I like it: It seems that all good films about writing need to be about writer's block. However Wonder Boys is not just that; it's an often hilarious road trip set around writers featuring transvestites, dead dogs, unconscious students and even a coat once owned by Marilyn Munroe. Michael Douglas makes a credible eccentric professor burdened by a never-ending novel and the heady campus lifestyle.

Awards: Los Angeles Film Critic Association - Best Actor (Michael Douglas), Los Angeles Film Critic Association, Boston Society of Film Critics, Broadcast Film Critics Assocation, Florida Film Critics Association - Best Supporting Actress (Frances McDormand), Boston Society of Film Critics, Las Vegas Film Critics Circle - Best Screenplay (Steve Cloves)

 

 

3. STRANGER THAN FICTION (2006)

 

 

Director: Marc Forster

Writer: Zach Helm

Stars: Will Ferrell, Emma Thompson, Dustin Hoffman

Synopsis: Harold Crick, an IRS auditor, suddenly finds himself the subject of narration only he can hear: narration that begins to affect his entire life, from his work, to his love-interest, to his death.

Why I like it: The other films on this list address the world in relation to the writer but not the character. Mortality has never been so preordained or poetic than in Stranger than Fiction. Will Ferrell tidies away his usual brand of humour to create a gentle lonely man and Emma Thompson is magnificent as a blocked writer with a predilection towards killing her protagonists. The ending disappoints me a little but it fits nicely with the rest of the story nevertheless.

Awards: National Board of Review - Best Original Screenplay (Zach Helm)

 

 

2. BARTON FINK (1991)

 

 

Director: Joel Coen

Writers: Joel and Ethan Coen

Stars: John Turturro, John Goodman, Judy Davies

Synopsis: Barton Fink, a renowned New York playwright, is enticed to California to write the screenplay for a wrestling movie and discovers the hellish truth of Hollywood in a lonely hotel room.

Why I like it: Everybody's seen at least one Coen Brothers film. If not, then they really should. Barton Fink is essentially a film about naivety, stagnation and writer's block. It tops most 'Films about Writing' lists and for good reason; the Coen Brothers wrote this while trying to write another screenplay, Miller's Crossing. So maybe procrastination isn't always bad. John Turturro delivers a fine performance but John Goodman absolutely steals the show.

Awards: Cannes Film Festival - the Palme d'Or, Best Director (Joel Coen), Best Actor (John Turturro).

 

 

ADAPTATION (2002)

 

 

Director: Spike Jonze

Writer: Charlie Kaufman

Stars: Nicolas Cage, Meryl Streep, Chris Cooper

Synopsis: Charlie Kaufman, a lovelorn screenwriter, turns to his less talented twin brother Donald for help when his efforts to adapt non-fiction book The Orchid Thief go nowhere.

Why I like it: Charlie Kaufman is a genius. When he couldn't write a script about a book with no story he wrote a script about himself struggling to write that script. And he made it work! Nicolas Cage turns out a surprisingly tasteful performance as both Charlie and Donald Kaufman. The Orchid Thief: A True Story of Beauty and Obsession by Susan Orlean is a book that actually exists!

Awards: Academy Award - Best Supporting Actor (Chris Cooper), BAFTA Award - Best Adapted Screenplay (Charlie Kaufman).

 

HONOURABLE MENTIONS

• Capote (2005) - A great actor portraying a great writer. As for the plot, In Cold Blood indeed.
• The Ghost Writer (2010) - More of a political thriller but provides a decent commentary on a fascinating branch of writing. Plus its a Roman Polanski film - 'nuff said.
• Misery (1990) - I prefer the book but it's got a fantastic performance from Kathy Bates as Annie Wilkes.
• Naked Lunch (1991) - I haven't seen this one yet. Seems fun in a vaguely disturbing way.
• Ruby Sparks (2012) - Another 'writer-writes-a-person-into-existence' film but much sweeter. Perhaps a little too sweet at times.
• Sideways (2004) - More of a 'grown-up' road trip movie but it brings to the fore some harsh truths about making a career as a writer.