MY BEST FRIEND WOULD DESCRIBE ME AS (a.k.a. Why You Should Never Ask for Help on Your Online Profile Description)

My best friend would describe me as:

'a fish out of water and sometimes on the grill'

'the child of an era everyone forgot'

'a velvet slipper'

'a beloved cardigan'

'a grandma in waiting'

'sweet with occasional punches'

'the best peach in the bag'

'plentiful'

'delicate'

'more curt than courteous'

'the microfilm of the thriller'

'Asraf'

'ballin'

'papier-mâché-crazy'

'not your mother's first choice'
'a Christmas tree with more lights on than tinsel'
'carrot cake the wrong way up'
'good with children if they can play their pets like instruments'
'open to disaster'
'you seriously don't want me to seriously describe you'