BE RESPECTFUL...NOMINATIONS NOW OPEN! (a.k.a. The Last Thing I Wrote in 2015: A Last-Minute Gimmick)

            You're under consideration. Your manners have been noted.

            The Be Respectful awards are coming up. They're looking for a poster boy and girl, chemistry not essential but please reserve judgement of one another before, during and after allocation.

            You've heard about the ceremony, of course. Smart-casual: no exceptions in either direction. We want a level playing field. It's a big auditorium.

            Categories include: Politeness in Unlikely Awkward Social Situations, Due Course in Outwardly Emotional Matters, Best Moral Exercise of the Golden Rule and Silver Rule (respectively) etc.

            Full silence needn't fall throughout, just maintain a small and considerate murmur. By all means chat among yourselves but please mind what you say.

            Any slight, perceived, intended or otherwise and you'll be asked to leave; not just the proceedings but the ceremony, the venue itself. We will not abide such terseness. 

            Look at the title: Be Respectful. No ifs, no buts, no coconuts. This, of course, has recently been decreed the least tolerant fruit.

            We look forward to seeing you in action. Please look forward to hearing the nominations.

            Above all, reciprocate.

GIN GIRL, BILL ROOK (a.k.a. 260 Words Inspired by a Misheard Christmas Song Title - Can You Tell Which One?)

            I found her talking to a shelf stacker about carrots.

            She was looking for a 'thick knobbly one' and, when the kindly old fellow found such a one, she volunteered why: 'The snowman's knob should be nice and thick and really, really orange.'

            She stopped bothering him when she saw me.

            'Do you really need that carrot?' I asked her.

            She dropped it in the trolley and we went to the booze aisle.

            'Why's it having a piss?' she asked me, 'Why an indefinite article?'

            I pulled out two bottles of gin: Gladhouse and Viddick's.

            'I mean, usually it's just piss,' she carried on, 'A verb.'

            I sighed. 'Verbs into nouns isn't an uncommon thing.'

            'But how about taking a piss?' She tilted her head. 'Taking and having. What a difference a verb makes.'

            'Choose,' I said, holding up both bottles in front of her.

            She took the Gladhouse one right away and put it at the front of the trolley, where the fragile cargo usually goes.

            'You still call me Wilma,' she spoke up halfway down the frozen vegetable section. Quite frankly I was expecting to hear something about the carrots here as well. Chopped up.

            'I'm not calling you Bill,' I replied.

            'I like Bill Rook.'

            'Well, I still like Wilma Rook.'

            She folded her arms. 'You can't keep change from happening.'

            I shook my head. 'Love might.'

            We didn't talk again until the checkouts and then that was in response to the girl there. She had inquisitive eyes and tightly-packed hair. She held up the knobbly carrot.

MAYOR EAST'S BOAR CHIDE (a.k.a. 250 Words Inspired by a Misheard Christmas Song Title - Can You Tell Which One?)

            The hog had the Mayor's chain. It even sat on his velvet-cushioned chair.

            'It doesn't suit you,' East said, arms folded behind his back, 'Black matted fur or whatever it is you have over your pork, it doesn't suit gold. Certainly not the chain of office.'

            The boar snorted and padded its two front hooves. East turned sharply.

            'You're Christmas dinner, you realise that! No, wait! You're not even that, you're Boxing Day leftovers! Ham sandwiches! Pigs in a blanket! Now give me it back!'

            He clawed at the pig's neck but its tusks were out. East raised his hands and shifted over to the intercom near the office door.

            'Beatrice,' he spoke into it, 'How could they do this to me? They deliberately sent a malevolent boar.'

            It hummed and clicked before responding. 'The farm people are on their way, sir. Traffic's bad on the M3 apparently.'

            East sighed.

            The hog snuffled one of the chair's armrest.

            'You better not get snot on that lacquer! Foul beast!'

            East collapsed in a guest chair.

            'As far as power plays go, I have to remark this is the longest I've ever experienced. So, well done in that respect.'

            The boar gazed at him with its black beady eyes.

            'You wear that for much longer, you'll be in the job, you know? Officially.'

            The pig stood up again. East rubbed his eyes. A clack, a rattle, another clack. The chain was now on the carpet.

            Mayor East's laugh was delayed. 'Good choice.'

MISSILE-TOWED ANN VINE (a.k.a. 240 Words Inspired by a Misheard Christmas Song Title - Can You Tell Which One?)

            Ann strapped herself to the rocket. It was a solo job, fastening the safety harness to the underside, laughing as she hooked up.

            'Safety,' she said.

            Launch happened an hour later. The stars were out, clear weather for December but still with a nip in the air. Things heated up soon enough.

            There was, of course, an objective but reaching the highest point in the atmosphere would be enough for her. She wanted her breath to catch, giddy tingles in her brain. A perspective change.

            Ann clung onto the rocket, her chin pressed against the cold metal of the tube. The vibrations rattled her skull. Her eyes were already watering. She couldn't quite tell all that from the tears.

            Ascension. Her eardrums shattered. The pressure exerted outside her head overpowered the pressure from within. She screamed but couldn't hear it. All that ringing and rattling: she didn't anticipate it.

            She hadn't been thinking. Even her objective was hazy now she thought about it, something so close to fiction it suddenly lost all worth.

            The sky that was once above her was now around her, thin veils of cloud swirling just below. There was a peculiar scent to the air: iron and salt.

            She felt herself loosening. The tether lasted just long enough to catch her, to hold her upside down.

            Ann glimpsed something. There was little oxygen up here and her view was wrong.

            Nevertheless she mouthed 'Santa' and fell.

UNISEX WATCHMAKER (a.k.a. A Taste of the Internet Celebrity Short Story Collection I'm Working On)

Hi Guys! Wow Guys! Wasn't that a GREAT let's Play? I play something similar on my channel: UNISEX WATCHMAKER. I play RPGs like Age of Classics, Scatter Chart and any fo the God Chess series. I also play other games like this. Come check me out! Awesome!

Wow! Good game, good Game. Love this chanel, big fan. If you like Fishing on Kepler then why not check out my own channel? It's called UNISEX WATCHMAKER. I'll bei playing this game soon and others, really cool klike Xeno Joust and Gridface. Only PC tough. You'll like it. Come on!

Hey! Did you know UNISEX WATCHMAKER is set to appear on DevelopMental Gaming soon? I am! Watch out! While you wait go visit our channel for Let's Plays involving great games like Shelf Biter, Don't Forget The Tape and Jameson. Might even get to Cobweb before Harris, amirite? Seriously. Check.it.out.

UNISEX WATCHMAKER's first episode on DevelopMnetal Gaming will air real soon. Got a lot tow ork on currently, editing and shit. Don't worry though. Check out my channel while you wait. I've just finished playing thru the Cobweb series. Sorry, Harris. (not sorry)

UNISEX WATCHMAKER: why not check it out?

Hi, guys! UNISEX WATCHMAKER here with some HOT News! I'm be the guest on the next RTSCast. Look forward to arguming with Crumpet Daddy about the latest Age of Classics. See you then! See my videos now!

Change of plans. Unforeseen. Sorry guys. Here's a link to my channel - UNISEX WATCHMAKER.

Hi, guys. My name is Ed of Unisex Watchmaker. I would really like it if you could take a minute and check out my channel. I post daily Let's Play videos about RPG and RTS games like Age of Classics though I have played other popular games like Cobweb and Don't Forget the Tape. I work Really hard on them and if you could check them out, that wouldbe great. Thanks.

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